Free* Ice Cream

You know those "free" ice cream nights at Baskin Robbins? I know them. I know them a little too well.

Here's what inevitably happens:

- We see the advertisement in the newspaper offering free ice cream from 4-6 PM and think "what a great idea!"

- The kids get riled up with the promise of free ice cream.

- We load into the minivan and drive to the nearest Baskin Robbins (we pass at least 3 ice cream places on the way).

- We see a long line but decide to get out of the van anyway, thinking it will probably move quickly.

- We wait in line for 10 minutes. After changing 2 diapers we discover that we haven't moved at all.

- We decide that the wait is not worth it, and drive to one of the 3 ice cream places we passed on the way.

- If we do wait, we still end up losing: There's never any Peanut Butter 'n Chocolate left...we're stuck with Chocolate Chip, Rainbow Sherbet, or some other flavor that was popluar for a few years in the mid-80's...and the serving size is equivalent to the ketchup cups at McDonald's.

Nobody wins the "free ice cream" game.

Let's compare that to the current proposal regarding universal healthcare. I recently heard someone referencing a Glenn Beck piece about "free day" at the museum being a horrible situation. I think the ice cream analogy works even better.

What President Obama and Congress want is basically a "free ice cream" system. The plan is to insure every American, which sounds reasonable enough. The government will choose the "ice cream;" the taxpayers will foot the bill. Here's what I think will happen (note the similarities to our ice cream fiasco):

- At first glance, Americans will read about "reform" and think it sounds like a great idea.

- The 10% of Americans who don't have healthcare get all riled up at the idea of "big changes".

- Congress loads into a van (driven by a stern Nancy Pelosi who constantly shouts "don't make me come back there!") and drives the reform through the system.

- Initial national debt projections rear their ugly heads, but we keep going anyway, thinking the debt will "disappear" quickly.

Here's where we switch to the microcosmic view of the situation...

- Patients seeking medical care get in a long line (literally).

- After 4 hours in the waiting room, nobody has seemed to go in or out.

- The patient decides to go elsewhere for medical care...but that's impossible. There is nowhere else. The private medical community has given way to the single-payer system.

- The patient decides to wait it out.

- Finally, the patient's name is called.

- Instead of receiving top notch medical care, the patient gets 2 minutes in front of a frazzled, distant, English-as-a-second-language (not that there's anything wrong with that) doctor.

Nobody wins the single-payer healthcare game.

When it comes to ice cream, I want options: Cold Stone Creamery, Nielsen's Frozen Custard, Golden Spoon, Bahama Buck's, Dairy Queen, etc. There's nothing wrong with free ice cream. For some people, it's a great way to enjoy a summer night. But free ice cream every day would lead to bad, bland, less-than-mediocre flavors. It's free (allegedly) but there are no good choices.

With healthcare, I also want options. If I don't like a particular doctor, I'd like the chance to try someone else. There is already a "free ice cream" plan in place: Medicaid and Medicare. The people who can't afford healthcare have access to help. The only thing the new healthcare bill does is take away options from most Americans.

Is there a fringe group of working Americans who need a little help paying for the costs of healthcare? Absolutely. But a complete system overhaul isn't the answer. Vouchers, tax breaks, and other alternatives would solve that issue. Think of it as giving discount ice cream coupons for people to use however they wish. You choose the flavor, not the government.

The bottom line is that I don't want the government choosing my family's healthcare plan. I don't trust them to pick the best option -- If they choose for me, I know I'll end up with one scoop of Bubble Gum and one scoop of Pistachio. Disgusting...

Krĭspē Krēm

Self-discipline is so important. I wish I had more.

A few months ago, I started working out with 3 of my brothers in law. We gather together a couple of times a week and put ourselves through sheer torture for about an hour. Rope climbing, multiple 1/4 mile runs, medicine ball throwing, push-ups, pull-ups, more push-ups, and other forms of "training" await us every Monday and Thursday morning. I'm just waiting for the water-boarding...it's got to be coming soon.

At any rate, I feel like it is making a difference. Not enough for me to feel comfortable at the local pool, mind you, but it is helping a little. I feel like I can carry my screaming kids out of the grocery store or church much more easily now, given my newfound shoulder strength. If I could only eat better, I think I could safely enter the pool without upsetting stomachs.

Sounds simple enough, right? Just eat better. Late-night infomercials notwithstanding, I've tried just about everything. No carbs...yeah right. No sweets...beneficial, but really lonely. Slim-Fast Shakes...doesn't work when you drink two or three at a time. Smaller portions...ends up being two trips to the serving counter. Weight Watchers...too much math (I'm a writer, for heaven's sake, not a statistician).

I was in need of something simple, feasible, and productive. The instigator of our bro-in-law workouts, James, laid out nutrition advice during the first couple of workouts. He could see that we needed some help. He said that we should simply avoid eating anything we couldn't pronounce. Easy enough!

I could do this. All I needed to do was read a few labels, discard anything with monosodium glutamate, maltodextrin, or annatto color, and watch the pounds fall off. I even skipped the Cap'n Crunch the next morning in lieu of fresh fruit and oatmeal. I'd found the perfect weight loss plan with clear rules and a simple strategy.

The rules, however, are what led to the ultimate demise of the program. According the the letter of the law, I had no problem pronouncing milkshake, cheeseburger, brownie, or Krispy Kreme. Once I let justification in the door, it plopped itself on the couch, grabbed the remote, and was clearly here to stay.

As a result of my lack of discipline, I have no relief when it comes time to climb the rope or do some pull-ups. I'm pulling up myself and those dang Boston Creme doughnuts. I may be strong enough to remove my kids during a temper tantrum at church, but I'm apparently not yet strong enough to remove myself from the snares of junk food.

Don't worry, though, I might try the pronunciation rule again...this time in Japanese.

Rats, the Piper, and Sleeping Children

Tonight I went to a 4th grade musical presentation of "The Pied Piper of Hamelin" starring my Nephew (he was a hit, by the way). I couldn't help but notice a few similarities to our current economic/political/moralistic crises. Let me recount the story for those who have forgotten:

1. A town is infested with rats. Townspeople freak out when their lifestyles are taken over by the adorable 4th grade rats wearing gray sweats. The town's political operatives decide that they must act now to rid the town of these vile creatures. Songs ensue.

2. The mayor is approached by a piper who claims he can rid the town of rats simply by playing his magical flute. Done deal. The mayor agrees to pay 1,000 of unidentifiable currency and the piper gets to work. Singing and dancing follow.

3. The rats follow the piper as promised, and the children play and sing. More songs.

4. The piper comes to collect, and the Mayor pays only 100 of the unidentifiable currency. (Definitely no pork spending there). Sad songs ensue.

5. The piper, in his ire, somehow makes the children sleep. (Creepy? Yes, but the 4th grader pulled it off without a "Gene Wilder in Willy Wonka" or "Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman" vibe).

6. The townspeople inexplicably complain that their children are vegetables, and the mayor finally pays the piper. Hence the adages "pay the piper" and "children shouldn't be vegetables." Songs and happy ending follow.

What can we learn from this elementary school play? Plenty.

First, let's look at the similarities to our culture.

For years, we have subscribed to the notion that our society is plagued with certain rats. Some rats were personal, some were collective. Here are a few examples of personal "rats"that needed to go:

• The horrible circumstance of owning a used vehicle
• The even more horrible circumstance of owning a used vehicle that couldn't qualify as a tank in the US Army
• The shame of living in a house that didn't have at least 3 spare rooms
• The stress of eating a home cooked meal
• Vacations that didn't include a passport or snorkel
• The stigma of not owning a boat, quad, Xbox 360, or Plasma TV

Most of these things weren't really rats at all; they were pleasant, clean mice who minded their own business and led lives with integrity and values. But we begged anyone who would listen to us to get rid of those rats! This is where the piper came in. Instead of a guy with a flute, this piper was a wallet full of credit cards, home equity lines of credit, 2nd mortgages, etc. He saved the day...we got new cars, we drove them more than we should, we bought new homes that were way too big, we ate out in record numbers, and swam with the dolphins in Maui. Life was good.

But the Piper was on his way to collect his check. Coincidentally, and out of nowhere (allegedly), the markets took a hit. Home values plummeted, stocks were devalued, and jobs were disappearing. When the Piper got to town, the mayor (our beloved federal government) started talking with words like "foreclosure" and "short-sale" to scare the piper into leaving. The mayor promised things like "stimulus" and "bail-outs" to buy more time. All the while, the mayor was out talking to more pipers (namely China and foreign bond traders) to try and get rid of more rats (or save them, in the case of Nancy Pelosi - see the salt marsh harvest mouse).

What a mess. It's time to pay the piper! Rather than pay what we owe, however, we have decided to hire more pipers and put off the inevitable. No one, especially our government, is willing to make the tough decisions that will lead us through a painful, yet necessary, market correction. Instead, we are only risking our children's future. I, for one, am not ready to see my children turned into slaves to our debt. If the play taught us anything, it's that our children should be free to laugh, sing, and play...or go to college, raise a family, and live in a free country that answers to no one.

Is there still room for a happy ending this time? I hope so. Those 4th graders deserve it.

Random Thoughts from a Day of American History

January 20, 2009

On this brisk, January morning, President Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. The transfer of power was swift and peaceful. It was indeed an historic occasion replete with memories for all who experienced it. While I am seemingly one of only a dozen or so citizens not on the lawn in D.C., I have made some key observations from my living room.

1. John McCain seems to say "I can't look" during the swearing in. The gentleman next to him is a disguised Mitt Romney, taking photos of things he likes as he begins planning his inauguration in January, 2013.

2. Left - Supreme Court Justices Stevens and Scalia lament to Chief Justice Roberts that they had no idea their hats were so hideous. Right - We see Hillary Clinton right before she finds out that she isn't the next president...

3. Senator Feinstein had WAY too much exposure on this day. As the head of the Inaugural Committee, she was apparently required by the Constitution to be next to (or in front of) the new president at all times. My favorite moment was following the swearing in, when President Obama entered the Capitol to sign his first executive orders. The President signed the orders in the company of the vice president and...you guessed it...a California senator. Oh the tradition. As the President was signing, Feinstein oohed and awwed at his "beautiful signature." She went on to comment about how she "used to be a lefty, too, before the accident." You could see the annoyance in President Obama's eyes; it was a scene analogous to a high school senior's nagging grandma hanging out with and making comments to all his friends on graduation night.

4. Of the nearly 2 million estimated people viewing the parade, 1.7 million of them were secret service agents. In all seriousness, how in the world do they keep the president safe in such a situation? I find their training and skills truly incredible. I do feel, however, that they should be allowed to wear track suits or something more conducive to running, wrestling, jumping, etc. I wouldn't want anything, including restrictive slacks or a trench coat, impeding the men and women responsible for protecting our government officials.

5. Today, we all have a new president. Republican, Democrat, Independent, Libertarian, and whatever it is that Tom Cruise is all have to come together to get through these hard times. I pray for our new president's success and for the continued perserverance of the American people. We can make it through a recession, a war on terrorism, and a looming decline of moral values. What we can't handle, however, is another day with Senator Feinstein at the microphone. I'm glad this day is history.

Greedy turns into Needy

Isn't it amazing how our economy went from penthouse suite to basement closet in a matter of a few years? I have noticed some very interesting attitudes regarding money that, if paid attention to earlier, could have saved us from the current mess we are in.

I'm no economist, but I am part of the world economy (albeit a small contributing member). And it seems to me that greed, both micro and macro in nature, has led to the need that we now experience as a nation.

Case Study: Not long ago, I was working as a construction superintendent for a national home builder. There was a sense of invincibility within the company and we couldn't build the houses fast enough to meet demand. Lines formed outside sales offices and lotteries with all the flair of the NBA draft selected who would be able to buy a home this week. Most of the homes we sold went to out of state investors who heard about the "wonderful" deals that were "sure-fire" bets to make money. In-state buyers were generally mesmerized by the low prices and despite being highly unqualified to purchase a home, were "pre-approved" in a matter of minutes. Hence, we meet the perfect trifecta of greed:

The Home Builders - These heavyweight contenders just couldn't contain their greedy little selves and proceeded to build home after home after home. They didn't care what consequences would come from over-saturating the market with false equity and empty houses. They epitomized the attitude of "eat, drink, and be merry." How robust are those evening meals looking now? Wendy's dollar menu?

The Lenders - We know what happens to unscrupulous lenders...they get bailed out and spend a fortune on California vacations. Santa's naughty list included names like Fannie, Freddy, and those annoying little Lehman boys. These characters just couldn't resist the urge to take anyone's money, whether they had any or not. For the first time ever, mortgage applications had only 3 boxes: Name, Address (or location of the nearest 7-11 if address is unavailable), and Desired Amount of Cash. Downpayments for homes were less than downpayments for dogs at the mall pet store.

The People - The often forgotten culprits in this whole mess are the very consumers themselves. There are those, who in good faith, bought a house with a ridiculous mortgage rate and ended up upside down in their payments when the market collapsed. I don't think they were being greedy. But some were. The people with 2 kids who upsized to a 7 bedroom house. The couple who bought 3 homes in Arizona, just because they could. The guy who said "I already made $100k on this house in the past 3 months, I'm going to buy a boat with that equity." (True story).

The problem was, that family couldn't afford the payments on such a big house, and now they can't sell it to find a better fit. The couple who snatched up all those neighborhood "steals" now has a 2 page list of foreclosures on their credit statements. And the guy who had a bunch of equity? He hadn't made anything on that house because he hadn't sold it! And now his boat is a $30,000 reminder that he failed high school economics.

The housing industry was by no means the only culpable party to our financial mess. Investment firms, corrupt executives, worthless politicians, relentless unions, and others have added fuel to the fire. This small case study, however, is relevant to us all. The lesson learned is to live with what we have and save a little for a rainy day...or month...or year. Maybe even 4 years. (no political jab intended). The point is, until we can start living without greed, we will never live without need.

Who needs a boat, anyway? Too much maintenance.

Saving Santa...and themselves

This is a Norman Rockwell painting that graced the cover of Boys' Life, a magazine published for the Boy Scouts of America. For the past 7 years, I have had the opportunity to work with Boy Scouts of all ages. While I'm pretty sure none of them have ever saved Christmas by pulling the big fella out of the snow, they have all taken steps in saving themselves in this topsy-turvy world we have created for them.

You've seen them, they're the annoying boys who constantly knock on your door to get the ball they threw over your fence. They're the ones who spend way too long filling up their sodas in fast food restaurants. They're the ones that are too loud in the library or at church.

But they are also the ones who get up early on holidays to put up American flags. They are the ones who spend countless hours collecting food for the less fortunate. They are the ones who put their fears aside and climb to the tops of mountains. Yes, they are indeed the very essence of what is good about America.

While others of their age bracket fill the air with foul and degrading language, Boy Scouts work on merit badges like communications and public speaking. While others pollute the world with graffiti and litter, Boy Scouts earn badges like painting and environmental science. Others participate in gangs and neglect schoolwork, but Boy Scouts participate in merit badges including family life and scholarship.

Make no mistake: today's young men are buried in the snows of negative influences. They can, however, pull themselves out if given the chance. I credit the Boy Scouts for leading the way in rescuing every young man from the snowy mountains of a misdirected adolescence.